I was tired that day. I didn't attend kindergarten until I was six 1. Shut up, it makes me awesome. So quiet in fact, that my Mom once made me cry to determine if I was even capable of crying. If no one else was going to help me then I would. All his worries would fade away and the British guy would become an integral part of our team. You know all the buttons to push. I'd like to think he went on to star on some MTV show and made millions injuring himself. so i fell back to my computer. On a normal day, a weekend, or holiday, with no obligation like school or work. But then they would be in a lot of pain and probably not talkative. Here are some signs. All you have to do is refuse their offers to go out and eventually they stop asking. When you do, it's like being orphaned from reality, again and again. Although, there wasn't much too quit by this point. My only real insights into my Father have been gleamed through other family members and my brief visit with him eleven years ago. Progress in programming, chess, checkers, even comedy and writing can all be quantified. I know that facing what I am and facing the world is really going to hurt, but I now know that I can survive it. Some scholastic players nicknamed me the "draw king" for my uncanny ability to turn won positions into draws. I imagine this is not because he was a particularly bad person it's just that only the strong memories stick in a four years old mind. Inevitably the problems and stresses pile up until I cant take it. fucking shitty English curriculum dosent teach shit. After some reflection, I have decided my current name is legacy. To understand how I became such a "special" person, we have to start at my beginning. Yeah, I could do that. I could be outgoing, funny, and social. Ultimately, I feel like I am in stasis. Mid tournament (while just trailing first) I lost a key round against a fellow junior that intentionally harassed me until I lost. For five years I have been a recluse. None of that happened. Everything goes great at first. For every step forward, you take a step back. All through that schoolyear I became thoroughly aware that I was different. I was measured not by my oddities but my solely on my ability. What was this? Around water, if I was left unattended, for even a moment, I'd go jumping into the deep-end. They had been through the hands of countless players and contained many scribbbled notes. I quit everything. Complimentary rocks and pitchforks will be provided next to the comment section. I stayed. I'm not my labels. I am taken from a mine, and shut up in a wooden case, from which I am never released, and yet I am used by almost everybody. You can deny the label all you want but society will treat you like the label anyway. Believe me, forced hellos are enough to make any kid into a sociopath. It wasn't part of gods plan. It's only in the last couple of years that I have realized that I'm not super human 1 and that was only because my failures became too much for my brain to doublethink around. I'd be French Canadian. If you don't like who I am then you can go fuck yourself. shut up i'm practicing demos by AM, released 04 September 2020 1. onthisside 2. roundtheway 3. fuckww3freestyle 4. cosmik/rift 5. betterfriend Some demos I whipped up because the world got me fucced up :P Talking my shit and other shit Shoutout to the homies as always, Akari, Echan I put them off and never do them. i just choose to be in my comfort zone. No more deluding myself that I can activate my skills whenever I want. It wasn't long before they added more labels. I want to learn how they make those cubbies. Neurotypical people do not spend every waking moment studying the thing they love. Culture turns us into the sum of other people. I'll come out the other side no matter what. Jason was just nineteen when it happened. Life is the series of choices we remember making. I had become less normal than I was before. Learn to be myself OR 2. He'd feel stressed and have all the worries, but we would make him feel all relaxed by showing him how cool we were. This is going to be so simple! At the time, this event destroyed a great deal of my willingness to ask questions. If going outside to play was so enjoyable then why was she inside. The point is that you cant just up and quit the world. In my mind I was being confident. It's ridiculous to hold to things because culture says we should. Previous Riddle. I used my new found knowledge from psychology books to try to trace down the source of my problems. I cant quantify what I am if I'm isolating myself from insight. I just had to find someone that was actually interested in what I was interested in and they'd be as equally obsessive. I do remember that I had a rich imaginative life and liked being the center of attention. I pushed the feeling deep down and I felt better for a bit, but it was short lived. I'm taking all the skills I have learned from learning and applying them to my psyche. I still recognize that I'm different, but I now recognize that this doesn't mean I cant fit in. Between the ages 16 and 18 I systematically destroyed my ties to the world. You start being fake by default. There is no guidebook for being me. Driving a car wasn't like NFS. People would like my designs and I'd be in all the css galleries. This gave me just enough confidence to continue playing through much of highschool. A human without a label doesn't exist. Hell, I even said hello to drag queens in the elevator 1. All of these I avoid like the plague. I started working on client work on weekends. Y'know, the one were you flip over cards and remember their location. I mean, if you like something, then you spend every waking moment on it right? I loved making up stories about space, warrior races, super powered saiyans, or the wall. Bad habits are easy to rationalize and good habits are far too easy to worship. I found this question absolutely silly. I'm going to change, adapt, and constantly refactor myself. This is known as a locked-up or frozen state. We are called shut-ins, hermits, recluses and so on. Everyone promptly burst out laughing at the adorable five year old. That is how she turns you to stone! Most importantly, I became addicted to my lifestyle. You cant expect the mentally ill to act rationally. Kenny, the divorce is not your fault. The same tricks you pull on others you'll start to pull on yourself. The project never gets launched and I move on. I'll be relocating to a better place, one with a community I feel I can get involved in. It didn't work. I was going to set the world on fire but that was going to take hard work. Usually the water main will be in a basement or garage. For me growing intellectually or physically is a piece of cake. Whenever I face myself I quickly rationalize my way back to a place that allows me to continue as I was. If Saturday morning cartoons had taught me anything it was that schoolground battles could quickly get out of hand. During my twelfth year I developed an intense interest in anomalous and fringe science. He just stood by while a five year old was severely traumatized by an ignorant mine tour guide. I'd become completely fake and never let anyone in. Humans abhor things without labels. In chess, weak amateurs routinely go up against masters and even occasionally win. Need to extract yourself from a hostile situation? They don't understand how some "harmless fun" can be torture for us. In chess, the champions were unreachable, they were mysterious enigmas I could only read about. She informed me that during recess all the kids went out to play. Being a comedy buff had paid off I guess. It is very dangerous to bond with things that people see you use. I knew there was nothing wrong with me and it made me angry that everywhere I turned I was told differently. In recent weeks I had become depressed. I imagined this was due to some sort of secret privileges adults acquired by initiation rights run by Barney 3. Learning to hide what you love and never outwardly show affection for things or people is a gradual thing, but this event definitely catapulted me towards a personality disorder. But what would I use for prizes? this not only keeps me inside but pushes them away. How much she will harass me if she finds out I have an emotional problem? A shut in is often viewed in a negative light . You know what baby talk is? I could capture people and then put them in a non-lethal maze and let them escape by solving a series of mind boggling puzzles. Your clients were assholes. I felt so alone and isolated. You know that root thingy? They come in flashes of emotions, sensations and visual images. Had I been lied to again? Come on Kenny, stand up for yourself! It was only the last several weeks that it started to occur to me what I was feeling. I had no idea how much trouble I'd have fitting into my labels, of course if I did, I surely would have been labeled a "freak" and been whisked away to train with a bald guy in a wheelchair. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. You know all the quotes, phrases, logic, rationalizations and flashes of epiphany that you'll swallow hook line and sinker. When you are so different there is no frame of reference to figure life out. I am in West Australia. Im 17. I quickly became an enormous target. I wouldn't get in trouble for breaking convention, in fact, any deviation from norms was celebrated as creativity. President-elect Joe Biden said he would not shut down the economy as the US continues to struggle under the weight of the coronavirus pandemic. Do you know how much she likes to snoop? I had rules to prevent this from happening but I had broken all of them. After that day, Jason was so traumatized that he went from being the star of the police academy to being such a disappointment that everyone was surprised he even made it on the force. There was too much stress. I learned to shut the fuck up and be someone else. I gradually gave up on trying to fit in and focused on pretending to fit in. I had no idea how I was going to get through this five days a week. I am already mulling blogging from same in north QLD. It would have been a viable business if I hadn't completed messed it up. I guess I could be a serial catch and releaser. Checkers and chess were the only worlds that never rejected me. Gradually you learn to turn off who you are and to become the labels you need to survive. I chose the latter. I began to toy with idea of various lifestyles involving sociopathic behavior. I'm going to take my unhealthy mental state and refactor it into a functional vibrant self. 6 years ago. Fortunately, I was big enough and smart enough (one must know what buttons to push) to scare the living shit out of those that physically bullied me. You cant solve a problem if you don't even know what it is. I needed more experience! I was a quiet baby. This unrelenting hell of noisy and stupid five year olds. It was during this trip that I had my encounter with an insight lacking mine tour guide. It's the emotional stuff that throws me totally off course. I retreated further and further into myself. I don't know if my fear was due to psychological issues or if he was dangerously violent. I had a million explanations. It's important that I test my social skills, that I make sure I quantify and measure my progress at every turn. You don't see it, but you're actively fighting to make it worse. She `` was a sensory escape from a world I found overwhelming but deeply. 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